LOVE YOUR MOTHER

I must not think bad thoughts...

2007-12-29T16:44:53Z

snatched from correspondence

Right now I'm sitting in the den of a man named Gene's house. He calls it "The Oak Room" because he loves oak and one day he decided he should have a whole room dedicated to that in his home. There is a fair amount of oak in this room, it isn't absurd to call it the Oak Room after all. My mom's sleeping with Gene in their bed that used to just be his bed. She moved in here in October. Gene courted her for a year and half before they even shared their first kiss. I think that's great because it must mean they really trust each other and I'm sure that when they finally kissed they actually meant it with every ounce of their beings. Now, it's like I've known Gene my whole life. They met in AA. Gene's been sober for over 12 years, my mom's got about a year and a half but it's really more like three years. She restarted her sober date when she stopped drinking the non-alcoholic beer, O'Doul's. She is such an honest woman. Gene is crazy in a good way, like us. His giggle sounds like revolution and it never stops. Well, it does, you just don't think it will when it's happening. You don't really want it to, either. My mom is so happy now. We all are.

Even my daddy, whom I often wondered if I would ever really have a good relationship with. He found his perfect woman just like my mom found the perfect man. My dad's lady is named Teresa and she's from the mountains. She told me last week that when she was my age she was kind of famous for being the only kid in the family (of 7) who could shoot a nickel out of a tree open sight from 100 yards away with her rifle. She sells a lot of stuff on ebay. I used to think she was stupid now I know she just doesn't know any better sometimes. She had her daughter, Gina, when she was 15. The baby daddy was a lunatic so she left him and worked three jobs while raising a baby all by herself to get by. I cannot believe this woman's story, it gets more and more intense. As I learn more about her, the more I love her. And my dad! He's laughing, smiling, relaxing! He wears purple like ALL THE TIME because it's always been his favorite color but he was never very comfortable wearing it before for some reason. He looks fantastic in purple. They took my evil demon cat, Simon, and cut off his balls and front claws and moved him with them out by North Fork and now he's just a big hunk of kitty love. They are both mechanical geniuses. They have a shop where my dad builds racecars. Teresa's been getting out there making glittery hearts out of metal for the purpose of hanging them from your rearview mirror. She sells those on ebay, too. I had a really good visit with them for the holidays. In fact, I didn't want to go. I cried the last night, grateful and desparing over leaving them. My poppa held me for the better part of an hour while we talked through the tears, Teresa joined in at some point and we all just stood there, hugging. If you would have shown me footage from that night three years ago I would have run over it with my automobile. Now, I feel like if there is a Santa Claus, that was his gift to me.

That's all I can really think of right now. There's more, of course. But in time.

excerpt from SNOW WHITE

2007-11-20T18:23:16Z

"'Dancing is diverting if you are watching, and also if you are dancing yourself. But how can you 'dance yourself'? Is 'self-dancing' the answer? I was fond of stick dancing at one time. THere was some joy in that. But then a man came and said I was using the wrong kind of stick. He was a stick-dancing critic, he said, and no one used that kind of stick any more. The stick of choice, he said, was more brutal than the one I was using, or less brutal, I forget which. Brutalism had something to do with it. I said, fuck off, buddy, leave me alone with my old stick, the stick of my youth. He fucked off, then. But I became dissatisfied with that stick, subjected as it had been for the first time to the scrutiny of a first-rate intelligence. I sublet the stick. And that is why I have become everything I have become since, including what I now am, a voyeur.' Paul looked again at the upper part of Snow White. 'Looking through this window is sweet. The sweetest thing that has happened to me in all my days. Sweet, sweet.' Paul savored the sweetness of human communication, through the window."
-Donald Barthelme
from his book, Snow White.

testing...testing...

2007-10-10T14:39:22Z

SO, I declared 10/4 the Universal Day of Communication and Understanding.
HOWEVER, it took me until 10/10 to tell anyone about it.

I appreciate what autumn is working on. Leaves the color of hay, of alligators and of blood. Crackt open chestnuts strewn in puddles and mud. The cold wet smell of rain, the wind. The impatient lavander sky. Quiet condensation. Brittle twigs snap under footfalls. Fertile fruit trees that spatter the sidewalk with slippery plums and pears. FUCK YEAH, AUTUMN!

Someone told me you'd be here.

atavism @ 2007-07-21T12:25:00

2007-07-21T19:25:51Z

so, yesterday, my car was totaled. bye, bye, rmz.

IN A METAPHYSICAL SENSE,

2007-06-07T20:48:47Z

I am growing larger! Great gusts of butterflies stretch my innards until they are so thin you can't even tell they are.

THAT'S ALL!

I pose this question:

2006-09-20T17:36:02Z

Are you humbly grateful or grumbly hateful?

Help For The Anti-Social

2006-09-13T18:42:31Z

"Why is it that we seem to be at ease with some people at at total dis-ease with others? We tend to think it's their personality, or perhaps their mannerisms, or their attitude, which keep us in an unrelaxed state. But it's not. It is something within us that is uneasy and they are only the trigger. Perhaps they remind us of a stressful relationship in the past, perhaps we are thinking and acting at a completely different rhythm. More likely they are reflecting something within us that we would rather not see and acknoledge. One thing is sure; our teachers are those in whose company we feel the greatest unease. But we don't tell them that."
-Mike George
The 7AHA!s of Highly Enlightened Souls

NOTE: While I was transcribing the last sentence of this paragraph, the sun came out of the clouds and brightened the world.

atavism @ 2006-09-07T20:44:00

2006-09-08T03:42:04Z

Nobody died when Clinton lied.

I Know This:

2006-08-28T03:29:51Z

The life of a bubble is fleeting.

LEARN HERE

2006-08-10T15:20:34Z

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow".
-Anonymous

[Life goes on. While "Mo' Money Mo'Problems" probably rings true to someone somewhere, it's more like "Less Money Mo' Problems" for me. I have taken up housecleaning like the women in Nickel and Dimed to {middle-aged phrasing:} "make ends meet". Dirty work but gratifying and lucrative. Looking forward to the 2nd interview scheduled at Crema on Friday. I like the place and it's withing walking distance from our house. Severing ties from Salem is nearly complete. Granted there are a few people I still like and will miss BUT NOT MANY.]

REMEMBER THIS DAY, SARAH!!!!

2006-08-03T19:28:08Z

IT MAY BE ONE OF OUR MOST PRODUCTIVE IN HISTORY!

A Moment of Clarity

2006-08-01T23:53:07Z

I was laying on the futon upstairs; my stomach was wasting away and I felt as though I was about to pass [on]. I could with my failing hearing distinguish the sounds of Doug in the kitchen downstairs and I thought to myself, "Special Reserve Extra Sharp Cheddar and crackers sound simply divine right now. In fact, I think they would save my life. If there is such a thing as fate or cosmic predisposition or telepathy; Doug will walk up those stairs in a matter of moments bearing the fruits of my mental conjuring." Now, I suppose that scenario is really not so preposterous granted he loves cheddar as much if not more than I and we tend to think in syncronicity. Nevertheless I was pleasantly suprised and delighted when this fantasy came to life. THANK YOU!

atavism @ 2006-07-19T07:30:00

2006-07-19T14:30:28Z

WELL, SOME[one]THING IS MISSING HERE...

JUST SO YOU ALL KNOW...

2006-07-11T17:40:42Z

It's two-buck Tuesday at the Portland Metro Zoo.
Have a wild time! Yeah!

atavism @ 2006-06-13T08:54:00

2006-06-13T15:53:08Z

clear your mind of "can't"
clear your mind of "can't"
clear your mind of "can't"

atavism @ 2006-06-11T16:15:00

2006-06-11T23:16:02Z

i dont care
sarah is awesome

From the Living Room/Dining Room/Office/Kitchen/Laundry Room of my Home

2006-05-28T18:17:37Z

It's nice to be at the apartment sometimes. I have a lot of memories here. It reeks of my mother's independence because we only came here after she left my dad and since then she's freed herself of many other things as well. Such an inspiration. Another good thing about my mom is the ceramic pot o' wisdom she keeps by the computer. It's full of little enlightening slips of paper. I haven't been sitting here in a while, so this morning when I was reunited with the pot [ceramic, not majicq... :/], I went buck wild and picked more than one out at once.

NOW FOR YOUR LIVING PLEASURE:

My favorite:
"Clear your mind of can't."
- Samuel Johnson

"Embrace your uniqueness. Time is much too short to be living someone else's life."
-Kobi Yamada

"Beware the barreness of a busy life."
-Socrates

"Let your memory be your travel bag."
-Alexander Solzhenitsyn

and, finally,

"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it."
-W.M. Lewis

I think that's a good stopping point for this post. Excuse me, I'm going to go live now!

YES

2006-05-25T19:35:57Z

living as an art form

My Plight For Lists

2006-05-02T20:39:23Z

10 Random Simple Pleasures in Life:

1. Truth.
2. Observing the behavior of animals.
3. Heating pads.
4. Unexpected kindness and/or common courtesy.
5. Coincidence and symbols.
6. Living to TI's "What You Know"
7. The sky.
8. Knowing exactly what to do and doing it.
9. Learning.
10. All forms of art and expression.

I love lists, I don't care what anyone says,

Irony

2006-04-22T21:32:23Z

"Are you humbly grateful? Or grumbly hateful?"

-Pastor Roland Smith

Two Things

2006-04-13T16:41:50Z

1. "When you understand that ultimately there is no such thing as a problem, only situations that can be improved, you are effectively choosing to hold the most proactive perception. There is room for improvement in every situation because there is room for improvement in every one of us. Unfortunately, we use the language of problems to describe almost all situations, events and circumstances, including those within our own minds and hearts and the moment we do our energy dissipates. Then we find it hard to understand why the situation or event happened in the first place. We need ot know the cause in order to know the cure. Ultimately, an enlightened soul knows that a problem is just a perception. It is only one interpretation of the situation. More positive and self-empowering perceptions include challenge, opportunity and lesson. These enlightened perceptions then give rise to a much more creative response. The truth is that all problems exist only in the mind."

2. "You are already perfect, you already have all that you will ever need and you are completely free, you just don't know it yet."

-Mike George
The 7 AHA!s of Highly Enlightened Souls

Grief & Loss

2006-04-07T15:03:42Z

When the heart grieves over what it has lost, the spirit rejoices over what it has left.

-Sufi epigram

DOUBLE DOSE TO-DAY, I GUESS!

2006-04-06T16:11:36Z

Woohoo, here I am again. I hope this post doesn't distract from the significance of it's predecessor, but they're relevant. This is from a publication called "The Sun" and it's from an article that takes excerpts from Middle-Easter Islamic peoples' blogs and discusses them. This particular excerpt ended the article and I found a lot of beauty in it.

January 14, 2004
Dear Leader of the Revolution,
Your Holiness,

Have you ever fallen in love? Have you ever gazed into the crimson of wine, when you can still feel the spot where she kisseed you on your eylids? Have you ever danced? Have you ever had maz maz [Iranian crisps] dipped in mastmoseer [a dip]? Have you ever worn jeans? Do you know what roll-on deodarant is? Have you ever cried at night? How many years did you go to school? Have you ever made abghosht [an Iranian stew]? Have you ever gotten a barbeque going? Tell me, what is Newton's Third Law? How many times has the scent of a springtime in Shiraz driven you wild? Have you ever kissed a dog? Have you ever listened to Persian classical music? Or what about rap? Do you ever whistle?

Have you ever kissed her neck? What about behind her ears?

Have you ever downloaded an MP3 from the internet? Do you ever ask the guy at the kiosk selling cigarettes how he's doing? Ever walked through town at midnight? Have they ever raided your home and confiscated your books?

Have you ever been forced into exile? Has it ever happened that you just can't get the pattern of those tiles in your mother's kitchen our of your head (for three nights in a row) but you can't remember the color? Have you ever called your mother from far away and asked her to describe the color of those tiles- at the mention of which you both uncontrollably sob?

Have you ever longed for the windows of your apartment in Tehran?

website: hylit.net/nightly
In the Islamic Republic of Iran, blasphemy carries the death penalty.

I love you, Mary.

2006-04-06T15:48:52Z

Allow me to set the scene. It's me, in stripy skivvies and wet cheeks, sitting on this stool looking around for support. I'm crying because my rat passed away and went over the Rainbow Bridge. I can't forget how nice her whiskers felt on my face, her tiny nose sniffing at my rosebuds and milk breath. God I miss her. I'm completely serious. Those little hands/paws! Tiny fingers just like mine with little rodent claws at the tips! And such soft fur, the multi-colors like all the people of the world. I love you, Mary. I hope the Rainbow Bridge is real for you and I and anyone else out there who misses their special friend. Bebe!! Anyway, I'm sitting here, empty-feeling, and I open this e-mail from my mom and it's entitled "Rainbow Bridge" and it has offered endless support for me here in my time of need. I have read this more than once and surely will do so again. And again. Please enjoy and think of Mary and I one day reuniting on this said bridge.

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

www.rainbowbridge.com

I'm Trying.

2006-03-29T17:39:45Z

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.
-Ambrose Redmoon

That judgment doesn't always come easy. It's as though I'm stuck in the McDonald's playplace on South Commercial at the bottom of the column of brightly colored plastic platforms and I have something I need to do at the top but I'm very tired and it would be much easier to just duck under the netting and get a Happy Meal instead. However, something inside of me is saying "Sarah, go!" and then I'm confused because I can't tell if it's the "Good" me or the "Bad" me talking because one would mean "Go to the top" while the other meant "Don't forget the sweet & sour sauce with those nuggets!".

I'd prefer to side with my good side. It can be a very good side, much better than my bad side, which, conversely is very, very bad. I have a lot of motivation, it's just misdirected. Is my autonomous subordination fear based? Probably. I wish to dive headlong into this wave pool of life but I can't tell if there are sharks in the water or not. How telling, I'm afraid of sharks I can't even see in my "wave pool of life". It IS fear based.

Am I even making sense anymore? Has the dementia of debate finally sunk in? Perhaps. However, I feel that the demented have an uncanny ability of doing things nobody ever expects from them. Usually this entails hiding bananas in your mother's bed or supergluing their own eyelids shut but I would like to think it's possible for positive surprises to exist as well. And those, friends, are just what I need.

Here I go. Do it.